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No. 4 of my celebrity interviews series.

ME: How’s business, Mr Dick?

MB: Call me Mo

ME: How’s it going, Mo?

MB: Up and down – it’s my breathing

ME: What is your business?

MB: Security

ME: Protection?

MB: And crowd safety – over-excited dolphins at festivals

ME: Family business?

MB: Yup, the Dicks are everywhere – security and government

ME: Customers?

MB: Whales, dolphins and porpoises – “no job too big or too small”

ME: I thought that slogan was for plumbers and electricians?

MB: Dunno – we don’t have those down here. I knew an octopus hairdresser that had a sign saying “Do or Dye”.

ME: How does it feel to be the greatest whale of all time?

MB: Just doing my job

ME: But you saw off every whaling ship and destroyed the Pequod captained by Ahab?

MB: Have you been reading that nutter, Melville?

ME: Yes. Weren’t you afraid of Ahab and his killer team?

MB: Have you seen the size of me?

ME: You’re in the greatest American novel – how does that feel?

MB: It was a flop for seven decades – rightly so.

ME: Why?

MB: The first 100 pages in Nantucket had the making of a fun, homo-erotic, buddies’ road movie and the last 50 starring me were epic. The other 500 pages were stodgy drivel.

ME: But the symbolism?

MB: You don’t need 500 pages to explain white men’s power, greed, acquisition and suppression of anyone different or their destruction of our habitat. You can do it in one line.

ME: Which is?

MB: It’s usually about oil.

ME: Any advice to the revenge-seeking Captain Ahabs of this world?

MB: Look, if you find your wife in bed with Tyson Fury. Tuck him in nicely. Do not throw spears at him.

ME: Oh.

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