MY INTERVIEW WITH ZEUS
(Zeus is played by Del Boy of “Only Fools and Horses”)
Number 6 in the celebrity interviews series
ME: How’s life on top of Olympus, Mr Zeus?
Z: Cushty. What’s yer name, my son?
Z: Well, Turney, if you get a 3D printer I’ll lend you my thunderbolt.
Z: You plonker, Turney. Copy it, make right-handed, Titan brand, thunderbolts and flog ’em to the Americans.
ME: But I’m rubbish at selling.
Z: I’ll get Pandora to sell. This time next year we’ll be millionaires, Turney.
ME: But Gods don’t need money – you’re immortal.
Z: I love the stuff. Everything between you and I is split down the middle: 60-40.
ME: How do you know what Americans will buy?
Z: Asking Zeus what he knows about Americans is like asking Mr Kipling what he knows about cakes.
ME: You’ve had at least 54 children with Goddesses and Mortals. How do you remember all their birthdays?
Z: Au contraire, Turney. Let’s not go there.
ME: And like your Dad, you’ve swallowed some. In fact, if your Mum hadn’t tricked your Dad you’d have been swallowed too. Lucky for you you were brought up in secrecy on Crete which is where my daughter and I holidayed this year.
Z: Lovely jubbly. Crete does great cocktails.
ME: Do you have a sex addiction, like that Michael Douglas had?
Z: Have you been talking to my seventh and final wife, Hera?
ME: And you’re devious with it – you keep changing form. You seduced Hera as a cuckoo in distress – original but not fair play, don’t you think?
Z: She didn’t have to marry me. I told her I was trouble but she said: “Zeus, get it into your thick skull, I’m not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive Gods, I’m happy with you”
ME: But Hera says you’re still pursuing your, what shall we say, “erotic adventures”.
Z: Look, Turney, my son, I don’t go fishing* but when you’re married to your older sister you need to get out of the house. Anyway, these goddesses and female mortals are the creme de la Menthe. You know it makes sense.
*Note: Zeus also said he was a black belt in origami.